The Best Presents are Homemade

A little Vancouver drizzle goes a long way, thought Li Ann as she 
made her way through the Agency corridors towards the briefing room. 
Rain glistened on her short dark hair and she knew that it looked 
good on her. The usual tribute of admiring glances followed her 
progress down the corridor.
 "Merry Christmas," called some faceless bureaucrat or other, grinning 
broadly.
 "Merry Christmas," returned Li Ann.
 What she really wanted to say was that Hong Kong didn't celebrate 
Christian holidays, and that her family had a proud and ancient 
Taoist tradition of its own.
 "Merry Christmas."
 Li Ann allowed her urbane smile to warm the people she met on her 
way, wishing them the compliments of the season. Inside, her mind was 
seething with irritation. Damn cultural imperialists and their blind 
arrogance, assuming that she wanted to participate in the celebration 
of their holy days. Still, if the Tangs had taught her anything, it 
was the wisdom of fitting in. Vancouver was her home now. She might 
even wave a flag on Canada Day, if it was expected of her.
 "Merry Christmas, Li Ann."
 Even the director? 
 Li Ann felt her mood lightening as she pushed the door to the 
briefing room closed and slid into her accustomed chair. There was 
something about the director in fishnets, ermine, and a red Santa 
hat, that had her smiling with genuine amusement.
 Mac and Vic, on the other hand, looked as if they'd seen better days. 
 "Hard night, you two?" she asked with mock sympathy, wishing she had 
a whip like the director's so that she could bang it down on the 
table and make them wince.
 Okay. Li Ann was not usually vindictive. It wasn't part of the makeup 
of such a clever thief. But the way her two former fiancées had 
gotten together, doing things with each other in the privacy of their 
own homes, even trading the odd sappy look when they thought no one 
was watching. It made her blood boil. Did they have to get over her 
*quite* that quickly? And with each other?
 "What's the assignment?" asked Vic, looking at the director with the 
kind of baleful stare that would have had a normal person quaking in 
their boots.
 "No assignment," said the director, smiling blandly. "I just wanted 
to wish you a merry Christmas."
 Mac groaned and buried his head in his hands. "You called us in here 
on Christmas Day, interrupting valuable drinking time, on our one day 
off, just to wish us…"
 It trailed off in what sounded like a string of muffled obscenities.
 "And to give you your Christmas presents."
 Mac perked up at that, cutting short his litany of abuse to look up 
at the director with a puppy dog smile. "Great. Whatcha get me?"
 The director produced a bulky bag from beside her chair with a 
flourish and pulled out a gaily wrapped package.
 "Just the one?" asked Mac, suspicion all over his expressive face. 
Mac had always loved Christmas. He'd celebrated it with his family 
before he joined the Tangs. It was one of the things about him that 
annoyed Li Ann the most. That, and the whining.
 The package was slim and addressed very clearly to Li Ann. No one 
moved as it sat there on the table. Eventually, Li Ann nudged it 
carefully with one immaculately groomed nail, as though it might bite 
her.
 "What about me?" demanded Mac.
 "You've both been very naughty boys," said the director, doing her 
usual exaggerated vamp act as if it never got tired. "And Santa 
doesn't come to naughty boys. You're lucky even just to get the day 
off."
 "And yet, here we are, at work," said Vic to the empty air, 
exasperation clear in his lightly clenched fists.
 "Aren't you gonna open it?" asked Mac. Presumably, the vicarious 
thrill of someone else getting a present was almost enough for him. 
He'd always been the most generous man Li Ann had ever known, even in 
the bedroom.
 "Maybe later," said Li Ann. She could tell, just by the slight lift 
of one elegant eyebrow, that the director didn't want her to open it 
in front of the others. So why call them all in and hand it over in 
front of them? There was no understanding their boss, sometimes.
 "Li Ann, I want you to call in at the archives and check a reference 
for me. For the Baker case," said the director, dismissing them all 
with a negligent wave of her hand.
 Meeting over.
 Vic and Mac couldn't get out of there fast enough, though both gave 
her a perfunctory peck on the cheek as they left.
 "Wanna come over later?" whispered Mac as he buffed her cheek.
 "Maybe tomorrow," said Li Ann, unmoved by the disappointment in his 
eyes.
 When she turned back to the table, the director was gone as well. 
Probably slithered off into some hole or other. Grasping her present 
gingerly, Li Ann turned it over and over. Shook it. Sniffed it. 
Nearly dropped it on the floor and trampled on it. But in the end, 
she unwrapped it carefully and methodically, folding up the paper as 
she went.
 Hmmn. A hand-held camcorder. And a card.
 "The best presents are homemade," she read aloud. There followed a 
list of very explicit instructions.
 No need to guess any more what the director wanted for Christmas.
 **************
 Only an athletic and clever person could have concealed themselves in 
plain sight on the balcony outside Vic's apartment. Bundled up 
against the light rain, and hoping that she didn't catch a cold, Li 
Ann decided that this was the most miserable holiday of her life. But 
at least she had a very clear shot of the action in the lounge, where 
Vic and Mac were eating their Christmas dinner.
 Not that it had started with dinner. There'd been cuddling and 
kissing on the couch, all faithfully recorded. Opening of presents 
came next, complete with an astonished screech by Mac (literally), 
followed by him hurling his gangling frame at Vic so hard that they 
flipped the couch over in their enthusiasm. Nicely captured on film.
 Pre-dinner drinks – recorded for posterity. Sappy sipping from each 
other's glasses. In fact, there was enough blackmail material already 
to keep them working for the director from beyond the grave
 And now they were munching their way through turkey and stuffing. If 
they'd put on paper hats, Li Ann would have had to have shot them. As 
it was, the camera kept shaking in her hand as she tried not to laugh 
out loud. Who would have thought that Vic and Mac would share a 
Hallmark Christmas? Certainly not Li Ann. She would have pictured 
them, if she'd given it any thought at all, sitting around drinking 
whiskey from the bottle, eating take-out and wearing grungy sweats. 
Farting and laughing loudly. Maybe watching sports on TV and bitching 
about the dismal performance of their favourite players and the 
referees.
 Of course, they probably did all of that every other day of the year. 
Li Ann just hadn't expected Christmas to be any different.
 But there they were, in tidy clothes if not dressed up, toasting each 
other with chardonnay and eating a traditional Christmas roast. With 
trimmings. Those cooking lessons of Vic's had clearly paid off.
 What was that? No, she hadn't imagined it. Vic had turned away for a 
moment and Mac had slipped him a mickey. Interesting. Maybe Mac was 
going to corrupt this saccharine scene by drugging Vic and then doing 
unspeakable things to his unconscious body. Now that would be worth 
videoing.
 Vic took a mouthful of his wine. Li Ann watched him swallow, admiring 
the way his throat muscles relaxed and contracted. He really was a 
beautiful man. But stupid. He didn't seem to notice anything amiss. 
Not that Mac would have slipped him something with an obvious flavour 
to it. 
 While she waited for Vic to pass out, Li Ann held the camera steadily 
and tried not to listen to the inane conversation being picked up by 
the sensitive equipment.
 "Li Ann was looking hot today."
 Okay. Maybe not so inane.
 "Ya think?"
 What a bastard that Mac was.
 "What's her beef with Christmas?"
 "Vic. Newsflash. Not every country in the world celebrates Christmas. 
To some, it's just a day when westerners commemorate the religion 
that helped them conquer and oppress most of the planet."
 "Li Ann told you that, huh?"
 "Hey, I can have profound political thoughts."
 "Li Ann told you that, huh?"
 "Yeah, okay, Li Ann told me that. Where are you going?"
 "Fuck. Suddenly I've gotta pee like there's no tomorrow."
 Li Ann didn't film Vic dashing off to the bathroom. Instead, she 
watched in astonishment as Mac bounded off his chair the minute Vic 
was out of sight, grappling desperately for his overnight bag in the 
corner. He was pulling something out – some sort of sex toy for when 
Vic passed out?
 Hmmn. That was disappointing. A large plastic bag in which Mac began 
to – okay – why was Mac slipping pieces of turkey and vegetables into 
the bag, looking anxiously over his shoulder in the direction of the 
bathroom?
 Mac was stealing food? Li Ann's heart lurched in unwilling sympathy. 
Maybe he hadn't come that far from the streets of Hong Kong, after 
all.
 Nothing could have matched Mac's nonchalant sprawl, though, by the 
time Vic returned to the table.
 "Hey, you've eaten half already. You must be really enjoying it," 
said Vic, grinning proudly. "And you said those cooking classes were 
a waste of time."
 "Yep. Got me there, Vic," said Mac politely, almost eating a piece of 
stuffing. Li Ann watched in fascination, moving the camera in time to 
the motion of Mac's knife and fork as he pushed the food around his 
plate.
 "Damn," snapped Vic suddenly. "Gotta go again."
 Mac was up in a flash, and stuffing more of his meal into his bag 
with an air of maniacal glee.
 Twice more, Vic had to race to the toilet, and by the time his 
bladder had settled down, Mac's plate was sparkling clean.
 "Damn, that was good," Mac said brightly. His face fell a little when 
Vic announced that he'd made dessert, but he rallied quickly and 
initiated one of the most scorching kisses Li Ann had ever seen. By 
the time they'd practically devoured each other's tonsils, she was 
starting to shake a little, trying to hold the camera steady.
 "Fuck dessert," said Mac, groping Vic's ass in a very unsubtle way.
 "I'd rather fuck you," growled Vic, in a way that hit Li Ann like a 
punch in the guts. She remembered when that smoky voice had promised 
to fuck *her*. But he hadn't been what she'd needed. Yes. She just 
had to keep reminding herself of that.
 Great. They were going to do it on the couch. She didn't have to try 
to maneuver herself to a position where she could film the bedroom.
 Shivering in the cold night air, Li Ann wished that the heat being 
generated in the lounge could warm her. Vic was feathering kisses on 
Mac's face, throat and chest, with little nips that the camera showed 
to be leaving faint marks. Mac's head was lolling back on the couch 
and he was groaning quietly. Li Ann couldn't remember if Mac had been 
this relaxed, this vocal, with her. It was hard to concentrate.
 She tried to remove herself from the scene and watch with clinical 
detachment, as Vic practically tore Mac's pants to shreds, ripping 
them off with more haste than finesse. Li Ann had always insisted on 
folding her clothes neatly before taking things any further. Now, she 
had to wonder if that had killed some of the passion for Vic. He had 
certainly never gone down on her with anything like the enthusiasm he 
was now showing for Mac.
 Despite herself, Li Ann licked her lips. Vic drew back for a second, 
and the camera got an unobstructed view of Mac's heavy erection, the 
head bloated and purple with lust. The director would appreciate that 
shot, she thought, as the back of Vic's closely cropped head filled 
the lens again, bobbing up and down with a lazy, irregular pace. It 
was oddly erotic, watching one former fiancée blow the other. There 
was a growing heat as Vic increased his pace, as though she could 
feel his tongue dancing inside her instead of licking a careful trail 
up Mac's cock.
 "More," she heard Mac gasp. Almost, she'd said it herself.
 Vic's laugh was wicked, as he started to tease Mac, licking his 
thighs and balls, swabbing everywhere except for his straining cock.
 "Get on with it," hissed Li Ann.
 Shit. She'd said that out loud. Heart hammering, Li Ann stared 
intently at the man stretched out on the couch, and the dark-haired 
man kneeling on the floor beside him. But neither seemed to have 
heard her. Vic continued to torment Mac with little nips and kisses, 
until finally Mac grabbed a handful of Vic's hair and forced him down 
hard on his crotch. Vic was still laughing, she could tell by the way 
his shoulders were shaking. But he must have been doing a good job of 
sucking, too, since Mac was moaning almost constantly now.
 Mac was a leaker. Vic would be swallowing frantically, his throat 
well lubricated by Mac's juices. Li Ann used to be able to take all 
of Mac that way, he was so slippery and her control of her own gag 
reflex was that damn good. Holding the camera with one hand, she 
mopped a film of sweat off her forehead with the other, wondering if 
Vic had managed to go all the way down on him. Lucky Mac. Vic was 
very talented in the oral department, as Li Ann had good cause to 
know.
 Mac's hands were spasming on Vic's head now, and he was giving that 
little shout that he did when he came. Pushing frantically up off the 
couch. Practically knocking Vic's head off, by the look of it.
 Oh, gross. Now they were kissing, sharing Mac's spunk between them in 
a parody of mouth-to-mouth. Li Ann could see it dribbling down Mac's 
chin, his face turned towards the camera. Li Ann never swallowed, the 
taste and texture was disgusting. But Vic didn't seem to mind it, and 
nor did Mac. Eating his own cum. How repulsive. Still, given the way 
Mac had desperately tried to get rid of his dinner, maybe anything 
was tasting good after Vic's cooking. 
 Okay. Breathe. She must be getting rattled if she was starting to 
think like Mac.
 Did couples usually kiss for ten minutes at a time, like that? Mac 
was getting hard again. Li Ann couldn't see Vic's cock from this 
angle, but she knew from memory how big and angry-looking it would 
be. What a fucking monster. And he was going to put that inside Mac? 
How was that even possible?
 That it was on the cards was clear from the way Vic had just flipped 
Mac over on his stomach, his body pliant and beautiful in the 
afterglow of orgasm. Mac's legs were spread wide apart and Vic was 
lapping at Mac's ass with his tongue. Getting him good and wet for 
it. The way he used to do with her. It was lucky that the sound of 
grinding teeth didn't carry through plate glass.
 But Li Ann wasn't jealous. Not really. All of this was just – 
unexpected.
 Oh, Vic, really? The old lube under the pillow trick? Show a little 
class. Still, Mac was a sure thing so maybe it didn't matter. Vic'd 
never tried things like that with her. Not that every day had to be 
champagne and strawberries, of course. But there was a style to 
things, a finesse, that hard plain fucking had nothing to do with. 
Maybe that was why things hadn't worked out for her with either of 
them? Maybe they both just liked a good hard fuck?
 Seemed like Mac did, anyway. Vic had slid home in one hard lunge, his 
well-lubricated cock hitting bottom after what seemed an impossibly 
long time. Mac's screams were clearly captured by the audio 
equipment, and Vic's harsh grunts made a strangely musical 
counterpoint. The camera swayed in time with the brutal pounding that 
Vic was dishing out. Li Ann's hips were thrusting and her arms 
shaking, no matter how hard she tried to control them. Vic had never 
fucked her like that, taking his pleasure with casual brutality, 
pounding her into a ratty old couch. Suddenly, strangely, Li Ann 
found herself wishing that he had. Wanting it desperately.
 Mac was wailing now, a series of high-pitched shrieks that should 
have set off every dog for miles around. His whole body was shaking 
with the force of Vic's thrusts. Vic's hips rammed him like some sort 
of machine, steady and sure, never varying the pace, over and over 
again. 
 Actually, no, that wasn't quite right. Faster and harder now. How was 
that possible? How could he dish it out, and Mac take it, with such 
force and strength?
 And how could they both be so beautiful, a tangle of arms and legs, 
bodies glowing with a sheen of sweat, loud masculine cries filling 
the air? 
 Oh god, Li Ann was starting to get damp. This was too much, too 
intense. She squeezed her legs tightly together, as if that would 
help.
 "Yes!" Vic's roar of triumph and his frantic pounding signaled his 
orgasm. Mac was gibbering some nonsense that the camcorder couldn't 
make out, and nor could Li Ann. But she knew that there would be a 
damp patch on the couch when they were finished – Mac was a screamer 
anyway, but he had this particular pitch whenever he came that could 
not be mistaken. And he was coming now. Bucketfuls, by the sounds of 
it.
 Li Ann wished she'd never been born. Spying on her friends and 
partners for a bitch without conscience or soul. Getting turned on by 
the sight of their passion. Laughing at their foibles and the funny 
little things that spoke of love. Filming their most intimate moments.
 And for what? Because the director told her to? For the good of the 
Agency and the survival of the team?
 Oh, the director had some fucked up explanation for all of this. It 
had even made sense at the time, written out in clear precise prose 
on a mockery of a Christmas card.
 Li Ann made sure not to miss it as Vic pulled his softening cock out 
of Mac's ass. Still connected for a moment by a string of liquid. And 
then detached, apart. Not really, though, as Vic stretched out on the 
couch with his arms around Mac, nuzzling his ear.
 These men were in fucking love. And their lives were shit. And so was 
hers, standing on a balcony in the cold night air.
 Go figure.
 "Merry Christmas, Mac Ramsey," murmured Vic. The camcorder picked it 
up easily, and Mac's sated sigh in response.
 Li Ann dropped the camcorder on the balcony floor and slowly, 
methodically ground its delicate components with her foot. When she 
was sure that it was damaged beyond repair, she picked it up again. 
Li Ann did not believe in littering.
 Noiselessly, Li Ann Tsei dropped over the edge of the balcony and 
disappeared into the night.
 The End.

gphillipson@paradise.net.nz

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